There’s a part of grief that no one warns you about. It’s not written in the books, it’s not talked about in support groups, and it’s rarely understood by those who haven’t walked through it.
It’s the grief of losing yourself.
When we go through deep trauma — whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a serious illness, or another life-altering event — we don’t just lose them. We lose parts of who we used to be.
The woman I was before Dylan passed is gone. She loved life differently. She believed things would work out. She had an innocence about her, a hopefulness that felt unshakable. And while I carry pieces of her with me, she no longer exists in the way she once did.
This is what I call the silent grief — the death of you. Not physically, but in the way grief reshapes your identity, your priorities, your perspective, and even your body.
Why We Don’t Talk About It
The world gives space for the grief of losing someone we love. People show up with food, send cards, and share kind words. But no one brings casseroles for the death of your old self.
When you don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore, it feels lonely. People expect you to “move on” or “get back to normal.” But there is no “normal” to go back to. You’re not returning to who you were — you’re becoming someone new.
Honoring the Old You
Here’s something I’ve learned in my own journey: we have to grieve the old versions of ourselves, too.
It’s okay to miss her. It’s okay to wish you could go back. It’s okay to feel sadness for the laughter, energy, or joy that feels so far away.
Grieving yourself doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re honoring the truth: you have been forever changed.
What helps is to find small ways to honor the woman you once were. Maybe that’s journaling a letter to her, thanking her for carrying you as far as she did. Maybe it’s creating a ritual — lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or taking a walk in nature — to acknowledge that she mattered, too.
Giving Yourself Permission to Become
The hardest part is learning to live in the space between who you were and who you are becoming. It feels uncomfortable, like standing in an unfamiliar doorway.
But here’s the gentle reminder: you’re not broken. You’re not lost. You’re simply becoming.
Trauma has a way of stripping away everything we thought we knew, but it also opens the door for a deeper, more authentic version of ourselves to rise. It doesn’t make the loss okay. It doesn’t mean you’re “moving on.” It simply means you’re giving yourself permission to evolve.
A Gentle Guiding Thought
If you’re in this place right now — mourning not only your loved one but also the person you once were — I want, you to know you’re not alone. This silent grief is real. And it deserves space, compassion, and acknowledgment.
You don’t have to rush it. You don’t have to figure out who you’re becoming all at once. Just breathe. Honor where you are. And know that healing isn’t about returning to the old you — it’s about allowing space for the new you to unfold.
This is part of the journey, too.
Journaling Prompt
Take a few moments today and write a letter to the “old you.” Thank her for the dreams, strength, and love she carried. Then gently write what you hope the “new you” will carry forward.
Affirmation
“I honor who I was, I accept who I am, and I allow who I am becoming.”
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