I Am Grateful for Every Moment with My Son, Dylan

Gratitude in grief is a difficult thing to grasp. Some days, it feels unreachable, lost beneath the waves of sorrow. But today, I want to share that gratitude can still exist, even when your heart is broken. I want you to know that you are not alone if you feel both deep sadness and deep thankfulness at the same time.

I am grateful for giving birth to my son, Dylan, and for the privilege of being his mother for 18 years. I am grateful for every laugh, every hug, and every moment we shared. But more than anything, I am grateful for the love he gave back to me. The love of a firstborn is something I will always treasure—it’s a bond like no other, and it changed me in ways I never imagined.

As painful as it is to face life without him, I know in my heart that I would endure this pain again if it meant having those precious years with Dylan. I would choose those 18 years of love, even if it meant I would have to face this heartache all over again. The love and connection we shared were worth every tear, every sleepless night, and every moment of joy. That love continues to live on, even now.

But I know that alongside gratitude, there are always questions. Was Dylan only meant to be here for 18 years? Was I meant to be his mother for only that short time? These questions echo in my mind, and like many of you, I may never find the answers. How did Dylan face his journey with such courage and acceptance? How was he so at peace with his path? I wonder if I’ll ever understand.

If you’re asking similar questions, please know that it’s okay to wrestle with them. It’s okay to feel lost, confused, or overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. You are not alone in this process.

What I do know for certain is this: I am still his mother, and he is still my son. Even though he is not here physically, the love that exists between us has never left. That love transcends time, and it’s something I will always carry with me. For that, I am forever grateful.

To those of you reading this who are navigating your own grief, I want you to know that it’s okay to hold both pain and gratitude in the same space. It’s okay to wonder about the path your child took, to question why their time was so short. But please, know that you’re not alone in these questions or in this grief. We are still parents, and our love for our children continues, just in a different form.

So today, I choose to focus on the gratitude—grateful for the time I had with Dylan, grateful for the love we shared, and grateful that I can still feel him in my heart. And to anyone walking this journey with me, I hope you find your own moments of gratitude, even in the midst of the pain.

Together, we are still parents, and our love for our children remains as strong as ever. It doesn’t fade with time, nor does it diminish because they are no longer physically here. That love is what sustains us, even on the darkest days.

For those of you who feel lost in your grief, remember that it’s okay to feel that way. We weren’t meant to navigate the loss of a child; it goes against every instinct we have as parents. But in the shared experience of this loss, we can find solace in knowing that we are not alone. Every tear, every question, every moment of anger or disbelief is valid. Grief is not a linear process, and it’s okay to move back and forth between emotions.

I’ve learned that even in the depths of my sorrow, there are moments of light—moments when I feel grateful for having had the chance to love Dylan for the time I did. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it reminds me that those 18 years were filled with so much love, joy, and connection. And I would not trade that for anything.

So, to all the parents who are grieving, I see you. I understand the questions, the hurt, and the yearning for answers that may never come. But I also want to remind you that it’s okay to hold onto the love, the memories, and even the moments of gratitude. We are still mothers and fathers, and our children are still with us in ways we can’t always explain, but feel deeply.

Today, I honor Dylan and the love that will never fade. And I honor all of you who are walking this path alongside me, finding your own balance between grief and gratitude. We are not alone, and for that, I am grateful too.