Navigating the Heartbreak: Answering "How Many Kids Do You Have?"

It’s a question that rolls off people’s tongues as casually as they ask about the weather. “How many kids do you have?” For many, it’s a simple question, met with an equally straightforward response. But for parents like me, who carry the love for both a child on earth and a child in memory, this question opens a door to a room in our hearts that is tender with both love and grief.

I am a mother of two wonderful children. One fills my days with laughter and the usual parenting challenges, while the other, my beloved Dylan, lives in the quieter, sacred spaces of memory and the other side. Dylan’s journey on earth was cut painfully short after a brave battle with leukemia. His absence is a stark part of our reality, yet his presence is felt every day in countless ways.

When faced with the question, "How many kids do you have?" how should a parent like me respond? There is no one-size-fits-all answer, and the response can vary based on the day, the person asking, and the emotional strength I have at that moment.

Saying “One” feels like erasing Dylan’s existence, denying the profound impact he has had on our lives. It simplifies the complexity of our family dynamics to outsiders but does little to honor his memory or my feelings.

Saying “Two” opens up follow-up questions—how old are they, what are they up to, and more. Each question tugs at the heartstrings, prompting either a change in conversation or a dive into our personal story of love, loss, and longing.

Saying “I have a son here and a son who passed away” is often the route I find balances honesty with my emotional boundaries. It acknowledges Dylan’s indelible place in our family while setting a gentle boundary that guides the conversation with sensitivity.

For parents walking this path of loss, here are a few thoughts on handling this challenging question:

1. It’s okay to gauge the situation. You might answer differently depending on whether you’re talking to a new acquaintance, a work colleague, or a dear friend.

2. Give yourself permission to set boundaries. You are under no obligation to share more than what feels comfortable. If the conversation feels too painful, it’s perfectly acceptable to keep your answers brief and change the subject.

3. Find ways to honor your child. Whether through words, carrying a symbolic item, or a gesture that holds meaning, find ways to feel connected to your child who is not physically present.

4. Seek support from those who understand. Connecting with other parents who have experienced loss can provide comfort and a safe space to share these complex emotions.

5. Be patient with yourself. Grief is not linear, and your responses might change day by day. Allow yourself grace as you navigate these interactions.

Navigating social interactions after the loss of a child is never easy. The simple questions we once answered without thought now require a deep breath and a moment of courage. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Each response, whether whispered in sadness or spoken with strength, is a testament to your love and the enduring bond you share with all your children, seen and unseen.

You Are Not Alone in Your Journey

If you find yourself struggling with these moments, I’ve written a book, "George's Compass: How to Navigate Grief," aimed specifically at helping parents like us. It's a guide filled with strategies to help you manage the emotional complexities of grief and maintain a connection to your child who has passed. This book was born from my own experiences and my desire to support others walking this heart-wrenching path.

For more support, guidance, or to share your story, please visit my blog or join our Facebook community. Together, we can help each other find a way forward, keeping the memory of our loved ones alive in the compass of our hearts.